SATC posterONE OF THE JOYS of Winter Break is that I get to holiday too! While the kids hang out, I order take out and rewatch one of my favorite guilty pleasures, the now out-dated and outrageously politically incorrect Sex and the City.

SATC turned me on to sky high heels back in the day. They shoes and sockswere great fun and I could actually run in them! But life intervened and Uggs moved in.

My trek down memory lane brought it all back, and as I struggled to retrain my feet back into these beauties, I wondered what the show’s principals were up to now.

Turns out they’re up to a lot–new shows, clothing lines, charitable works–and all no thanks to the mountains of criticism heaped against them. Who can know for sure if they snipe at one another behind the scenes. The only impact a feud could have would be on future SATC project development, and those who saw and cared about the re-boot of Gilmore Girls knows that digging up the bones and reanimating the body isn’t always a great idea.

Which brings me to the stuff being hurtled at the actors. Apparently, they got–shiver me timbers–O-L-D, an unforgivable offense given that wrinkle creams, Juviderm, Botox and microlifts are supposed to work.


I can relate. I have, on occasion, used the #FloorSelfieFaceLift with great results, but it doesn’t prevent another birthday.

Critics be damned. I love SATC the second time around. It’s good, stupid fun. And that’s what holidays are all about.

Happy Winter Break, everyone!

Adult, unapologetic and wholly cognizant,

I am,

A. B. Funkhauser

cheek puffing.jpg


Amazon Author Page:







From Humor to Horror: The Mortician and Her Charge

A. B. Funkhauser, Author

A fellow scribbler recently asked if I’d thought about working in other genres, and I had to take a moment before answering. After a couple of slugs of coffee, here’s what I said: Anything’s possible, but do YOU consciously sit down and say “I’m going to write a romance today?”

It’s true that we have an idea about what we want on the page after a few false starts and a meme or two. But if you’re like me, you give your characters a wide berth and let them do the driving.

The tale of halting mortician Enid Krause and her charge, the badly decomposed Jurgen Heuer (read “Heuer” as in “lawyer”) for me was a platform from which to launch some stories about what it’s like to be a funeral director in the space of a few precious days. The minutae, the stuff we as directors take for granted…

View original post 1,190 more words

HEUER LOST AND FOUND, The Second Edition, FREE TODAY thru February 26th

JPEG NEW COVER 2018I am thrilled to share HEUER LOST AND FOUND, The Second Edition. Out now as a #FREE #DOWNLOAD on Amazon, Heuer traces the day to day goings on at a ramshackle family-run funeral parlor.

Equal parts #paranormal #romance #horror and #humor, this novel has enough freak for the living and the dead.

Giveaway runs February 22 thru 26, 2018. Get yours today!


My holidays are over despite efforts to hang on to every second. I had a great time. Between double turkey dinners and a crummy virus that wouldn’t leave me the hell alone, I had plenty of time to hang out with family, friends and the semper fi feline, oftentimes with a fine glass of Crown Royal over ice in my hand.

Now I understand how much fun retirement can be.

I didn’t write much. I was lucky to jump into a hashtag game or two, but with Book Three out in the world finding its audience, I was content to take a pause.

I watched a lot of T.V. and was surprised by the quality of the content.


JOE’S PALACE & CAPTURING MARY (Movie Network, Canada)

capturing maryI have seen CAPTURING MARY before, so I was delighted to joe's palacefind its companion film, JOE’S PALACE, on the roster in December. Set in contemporary London, both films flash between now and “back then.” With a vacant and very smart London townhouse as the anchor, both films show how an inanimate object—the house—can be as vital and real as its carbon-based companions. I couldn’t take my eyes off it, especially when the tortured Mary (played by the intense Ruth Wilson) and her nemesis Greville took the stage to mount a cat and mouse game that left this viewer chilled.

JoeEnter Joe, a young man who works in the now vacant palace as a concierge and keeper of the building’s secrets. Joe appears innocent and unfettered, yet it’s his absence of baggage that enables him to cut through his tormented visitors and get to the truth of their pasts. The truth is ugly, but the resolution is brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.




a ghost storyImagine Casey Affleck mute and under a sheet with only two eye holes through which to communicate. (I checked. It was him.) A GHOST STORY is a “watching film” in that you can’t look away for a second or you might miss something. The hook of course is the notion that something silent and unseen could be wandering through your house as you sit and write or eat or sleep, and that—let’s face it—is both compelling and creepy. Affleck’s taken some personal hits over missteps settled privately, but I couldn’t let it get in the way. I couldn’t stay away. His is a stunning, soundless performance that elicited rave reviews to go with kudos for the film all around. Something different.



planetariumA “reading picture” if you cannot speak French, this production is luxe and takes place just before the out break of World War II in France. Natalie Portman’s “Laura” plays sister to Lily-Rose Depp’s “Kate” who is a sought-after medium in elite circles. Both sisters rely on the gift to get ahead in life, but things take a tragic turn when they become enmeshed with their patron Korben. Korben has a past that he very much wants to unlock with Kate’s help, but the results of their experiments have the unforeseen effect of releasing the full weight of Parisian society in the negative’s column. Here’s a case where the spirit world may be preferred. Visually gorgeous and somewhat long-running, it is “art house” and moody and worthy of a boo if “different” is for you.



I'm the pretty thingActor Ruth Wilson again (See her in Showtime’s The Affair if you haven’t already) in a joint Canadian-American production that’s classy psych-thriller from start to finish. Throw in some Bob Balaban (right up there with Buck Henry) in a limited, but pivotal role, and you’ve got something that will freak you out with minimal effort. The scare is in Wilson’s eyes. She is aruth wilson nurse hospice nurse called in to care for dying horror author Iris Blum in a remote and gorgeous century home (trope-I don’t care) that has a lot of supernatural activity going on. Dialogue is sparse, and the scenes are CGI free with ghostly specters using more traditional (old-fashioned) tricks that blend well with this type of bare bones presentation. Just wait for the phone to fly out of Wilson’s hand.



crimson peakThe antithesis of the film above, this beauty is a good old timey gothic horror with freaky ghosts set in an even freakier house in 19th Century England. Here, Tom Hiddleston and excellent Jessica Chastain pair up as a larcenous brother and sister seeking to bilk heiress Mia Wasikowska of her fortune and her life. As if! The heiress kicks butt without aid of 50 caliber fully automatic machine weapons or hunter killer satellites. Shot in gorgeous “Triadic” color (a go-to for director Guillermo del Toro), CRIMSON PEAK reminds me of the Technicolor films of yesterday, with frames that look more like paintings only to move like Harry Potter’s newspaper.


And finally,


Gerald's GameThe plot description read like a BDSM cheesefest, but when I cracked into it I found it was anything but. Based on what book reviewers have called “one of Stephen King’s lesser works,” this psych horror thriller will freak you out as a viewer and have you wishing you could think that way as a writer. What’s up with the dog? Perfect for late night with the lights out, all I’ll say is that I’ve never seen actor Carla Gugino like this. (I used to watch her in Spy Kids 1,2 and 3 with the kids). This one is not for kids.



What’s next?

GlitchWell, if I had any sense I’d get back to researching Book Four, but I still have a house to paint from top to bottom and there’s this little Australian series called GLITCH that keeps calling out. It’s on Netflix, of course.





Adult, unapologetic and wholly cognizant,

I am,

A.B. Funkhauser


January 16, 2018


Blog favorite Mark Iles is back with a new release ROAR OF LIONS that’s currently ranking in the top 10 on Amazon in several categories. As you would expect, he has a lot to say about that!

Hello, Mark.

Congrats on the new release. Is it true that you’re already at work on something new?

A bit. I’m a firm believer in not giving away your story, as when you do so the train of thought tends to drain away with the words. I will say that the new book is a mixture of science fiction, fantasy and horror – done in a new way for me. I like to think about what really scares people, why, and how to put that into a tale.



To what extent do you think your own military experiences influenced the series?

To be honest, a surprising amount. For instance, the bit where my character shoves her rifle towards a non-commissioned officer’s mouth and pulls the trigger. I was attached to the commandos for a while back in the early 80’s, and was training with them on Dartmoor one dark and snowy night. I was asleep, totally exhausted when, simulating an attack, this guy who’d been picking on me threw a thunder flash in my direction, quite deliberately I’m sure. Damned thing went off right next to my head. I leapt up, cocked my rifle, thrust it towards his face and before I realised what I’d done pulled the trigger. All I’ll say it went off exceptionally close. It pure reflex believe me and luckily my magazine was full of blanks.

That was a long time ago and luckily the guy concerned took it remarkedly well. He even bought me a pint the next time we were ashore but he never picked on me again. You don’t forget stuff like that and it makes kinda interesting reading. Guess you’d get in all sorts of trouble for that sort of thing now.


Armchair enthusiasts spend a lot of time musing over first contact with aliens. Personally, I think they’re already here and have been for eons. What do you think would happen if contact was made?

I think first contact with an alien species is open to misinterpretation on so many levels. I was told once that one of the first English people to talk to Bedouins was shown a sheep’s eyeball to show it was freshly killed. Thinking it was some kind of ritual or honour the chap ate it. Consequently, for many years we believed it was tradition while they thought it was something we did. Whether it’s true or not, it still gives an indication of how things can so easily be misconstrued.

In J. Michael Straczynski’s marvellous Babylon 5, the Minbari approach humans for the first time with their gun ports open as a sign of respect. The humans took it as a sign they were preparing to fire and engaged them, and so the first war began.

In answer to your question the answer is yes, first contact has the potential for disaster.

ROAR OF LIONS is the third book in the series. Is a fourth coming up next? 

I would like to return to Selena’s journey, and have left openings for such. But in ‘Roar of Lions’ her story comes full circle. Due to illness it took me a long time to write, and I now have another project demanding to be written – one I’m truly excited about. The new book has already been started and there are so many avenues to explore. As Bilbo Baggins might say, I’m going on an adventure…




ROAR OF LIONS_eBook_optThe ForeRunners have destroyed one of Capulet’s cities, and the joint Lenar-Human search teams are needed to root out the enemy. But when the empathic Lenars refuse to work without Selena Dillon and her team of commandos, they soon find themselves back on Capulet in an uneasy alliance with the planetary administration and in a race against time to stop the enemy from destroying other cities.

Throughout the galaxy billions are dying as the war spreads. Despite her fear that the alien Manta and their allies will turn against them, Selena needs to truly unite the Alliance of Worlds and find a way to destroy the ForeRunners before it’s too late.

Selena knows there’s no more running, and that sooner or later there will be a final reckoning between herself and the queen. But even if they survive that long she needs to discover who will stand with her, and who against her, in this final confrontation with the tyrannical monarch.



Collecting Singh and Shadow, Selena found Baron waiting for them when they arrived. To her surprise, he was wearing the uniform of the Royal Bodyguard.

“Nice to meet you at last, Commander,” Baron said, saluting as he led the way. “A shame it’s under such circumstances. Like many here, I’ve followed your exploits. Tell me, is it true you once fed an enemy their own pets and didn’t tell them until they’d finished their meal?”

Selena gave him the once over. “No, but it’s an idea. Why, do you have any pets?”

He gave a half smile. “Ah, we’re far from enemies Commander, despite my uniform. I want this killer caught as much as you do. And no, I don’t have any pets, thankfully.”

Baron was a tall but slim man, his gray hair crewcut with a large balding area on his crown. He looked wrinkled and haggard, tired beyond belief. Yet his green eyes were kind and his voice soft.

She eyed his uniform. “You’re a member of the Royal Bodyguard. How come the colonel put you forward for this?”

“I believe that Her Majesty thought it a good idea and had a word. I can advise on protocol and other such matters.”

Putting her distrust to one side, they followed him, and passed through the military cordon and under the high white-stone arch into an alleyway that was so narrow daylight struggled against the gloom. The rough concrete buildings around them were obviously some of the first made by the colonists when they arrived, their ancient machines churning out concrete from native material to quickly provide the housing and protective walls needed for the settlers.

Shadowy doorways beckoned, boxes were piled against the walls, amidst occasional pools of water. Cats and rodents slipped through the gloom while rubbish scampered over the flagstones, driven by the soft breeze tainted with the stench of refuse.

“You look familiar somehow,” Selena said to Baron, after a while. “Do we know each other?”

His bottle-green eyes remained on hers. “No, but I was born on this world so we could easily have bumped into one another. We may even have mutual friends. You never know. I pop up in all kinds of places and work all hours, but when working exclusively for the queen I mostly do nights. I like the way the moons dance.”

Selena froze as he uttered the last phrase, recognising it as a rebel recognition code. Knowing the others will have noticed the phrase was slightly out of place, she just gave a slight nod of acknowledgement. At that moment, they stopped at a doorway and her eyes slid over the blood splattered wall and passageway. “Can you tell me what happened?”

“A citizen came through here late last night and found them. They’ve been eviscerated—gutted if you will. There’s not a single organ remaining, not even their brains or eyes.”

“There was just their bodies?”

“Aye Ma’am. They’ve been taken to the morgue. We’ve never had anything like this before, I think we’re a bit out of our depth.”



Cull Cover



Mark Portrait optMark’s short stories have been published in Back Brain Recluse, Dream, New Moon, Haunts, Kalkion, Screaming Dreams, and the anthologies Write to Fight, Escape Velocity, Auguries and Monk Punk. With over forty years’ experience in the martial arts and a 9th Degree Black Belt in Taekwondo, he’s written features for the magazines Combat, Taekwondo & Korean Martial Arts, Fighters, Junk, Martial Arts Illustrated, and He also runs a writer’s group for the British Science Fiction Association, along with The Scribe for Veterans with the help of The Royal British Legion.

His first full length work ‘Kwak’s Competition Taekwondo’, was published in Hong Kong, while he was based there with the Royal Navy for three years in 1985. His debut novel ‘A Pride of Lions’, Book I in The Darkening Stars, was published byA Pride of Lions Solstice in September 2013. Book II, ‘The Cull of Lions’, was published a year later. ‘Roar of Lions’ is the third book in the series.

Solstice have also published four novellas: ‘A Connoisseur of the Bizarre’, ‘Sally Jane’, ‘Nightshade’ and ‘Santa Claws is Coming’ – along with the short story compilation ‘Falling From Grace & Others’.


Buy Links

A Pride of Lions:

The Cull of Lions:

Roar of Lions:

Falling from Grace & Others:


Media Links

Amazon authors page:






It happened again—a signpost to my life and the lives of so many others has gone off toTom Petty wherever it is signposts go to. I’m miserable. Tom Petty not only wrote things you could drive your car really fast to, but he had a style that goofy kids like me could take on back in the mid-70s, early-80’s.

Those of you who weren’t there, dayam. I wish you could have been. But given the spike in 70s-themed shows and fashion lately, you’ll likely get a taste.

Tom Petty was cool, man, and if you don’t know who he is, I suggest you make a point of finding out tout suite.

Safe passage, brother. Hope you’re with George and Roy.

Adult, unapologetic and travellin’,

I am,

A.B. Funkhauser




Good morning everyone. Lately, it’s been suggested to me that I get a newsletter up and running because 1) it’s a great way to connect with people who might want to pick up what I write, and 2) it forces me to use first person, a device I fervently stay away from in fiction because the “I’s” make me feel self-conscious.

I thought on it, and while the newsletter works very well for writer colleagues of mine, I can’t see myself doing it  because I have Das Blog on WordPress–this wonderful space where I celebrate the publishing journey: yours, mine, everybody’s.

But here’s what I can do. I can spout off daily (or bi-daily or other daily) missives of 500 words plus or minus as the spirit moves me. Content shall be mine.

Welcome, then, to The Daily Yammer, a sub-sid of Das Blog where thoughts are short, commas are few(er), and everything said will be said so with “I”.

First person: this will take getting used to.

Adult, unapologetic and still writing fiction in third person,

I am,

A.B. Funkhauser

Mother, Mortician, Monkey

If you have something to say to me write:

You will be answered. — A.B.



This multi-genre author has a new one coming out next month.


Crazy+Love-001I love Emily. I know she loves me too, she just needs me to show her. One day, we will beReaders Favorite together forever. I’ll make sure of that. She’s only with this guy she’s been hanging around with to test me, see if I’ll stand true. Emily wants me to fight for her, to see if I can win her. Of course, I will. Once she sees how I’ve been caring for her, all the plans I’ve made, the lengths I’ve gone to in order to be with her, she will be so proud of me. If only she would stop pretending so I could stop hiding in her attic.

Reach deep into the mind of mentally ill millionaire Noah Burell as he turns Emily’s world upside down.

15% of this book’s proceeds go to, the National Alliance on Mental Illness.




Coming Soon


Release Date: November 27, 2017

Preorder: November 6, 2017


lucifer+cover+2I’ve become obsessed with her.


It wasn’t our intention when we started this, but as soon as I got my hands on her I feared this would happen. He dragged me here, to stop a child from existing that might bring an end to our reign on Earth. I have my orders from the one that watched as this prophecy was scratched on the scroll. He became the whisper in the ear of Judas, betrayer of Christ, laughing as they hammered the nails into his holy flesh. Satan himself. Of course, we lost that battle, but there is always the next. So, here we go, once again. Lucifer is determined to win this one, and all I’ve come to care about is tearing Cora away from her husband, from him, make her mine. Who I am? You’ve met me, felt me in your very loins. I’m the demon of lust. But you can call me Devin.




About this author

Best selling author Rachael Tamayo has written Romance, paranormal, and is now trying her hand at thrillers. “I’ve discovered that I love writing thrillers and believe I’ve found my genre. I doubt I’ll be returning to contemporary romance anytime soon, but everything I write will always have some element of romance.” When she’s not writing, you can usually find her with her family; mom of a four year old son and infant daughter, and wife of thirteen years. Her full time profession as a 911/police dispatcher in the Houston area gives her an interesting perspective into people that others might not have. Rachael was born and raised in Southeast Texas where she lives with her family.









Thrilled to announce that my three day giveaway on and .ca was an amazing success. I made it to top 10 (Satire) for about two hours, but stayed in the top 20 for three days on .com. Further, I made it to #271 over all for Canada on .ca. That’s a lot of downloads. Now, if 1% actually reads and likes it, maybe, maybe, maybe they’ll buy the others? Who knows.
Anyway, I’d just like to thank everyone here for downloading the beastie/spreading the word to others. It really, really worked.
Round of applause. You deserve it.
Honorable mention to KateMarie Collins for setting it up, Kathi Sprayberry for doing all the things she does, and always Melissa Miller for founding a wonderful community. Solstice, more than just a publisher! TYSM.

Facebook banner component


What if you offered a book for free and nobody downloaded it? That’s the crazy thought that banged around in my head last Wednesday.

My worries were for nothing. SHELL GAME has done incredibly well, holding a Top 20 spot on in the Satire category for a solid three days. What that means in terms of the number of downloads is not yet clear–though I’m sure there’s a way to find that statistic–but what is clear, what I intuitively feel in my bones, is that a lot of eyes will take a chance on this book. Hopefully, they’ll see it through to the end.

I’ve never offered a book for free before, but now that I have I don’t think I can pass up a chance to do this again! Thank you Solstice Publishing for your guidance and expertise in these matters.

I’m just thrilled.

It’s not over. The promotion continues until midnight tonight EST. For those who have not pushed the eButton to ‘buy,’ please do so. In the spirit of mass marketing:




etc, etc, etc.


Lol. Thanks, again!


or in Canada…/B075M…/ref=pe_386430_122413350_TE_DP