BAKED ALASKA

Karl Marx said religion is the opiate of the masses, but he don’t got nothin’ on dope, yo, cuz it’s legal to smoke and carry herb in Alaska now.

My friend, the stoner, is beside himself doing cartwheels, which is pretty damned amazing when you stop and reimagine it. Quoting American Pasha Woody Harrelson, Stoner reminds me that weed’s not a drug. It’s a plant.

“Like poppies and cocoa?” I offer.

“Exactly,” he says, righting himself with a vanilla scented vaporizer that, oddly, does not set off my fire alarm.

Woody Harrelson notwithstanding, Alaska joins a small but growing clutch of U.S. states that are as okay with dope as the rest of us are with booze, gambling and mild laxatives.

“You watch,” Stoner says, gloating (because I’m a square who neither partakes nor inhales) “Canada will follow.”

It’s just a matter of time. When Prime Minister-in-Waiting Justin Trudeau is not drafting new legislation to advance the ways and means of democracy, he is progressively promising government-approved dope for all.

“Getting high levels me out,” Stoner reits, reaching for his car keys.

“Unlike booze, which is a drug?” I query.

“Right again,” he replies, pleased that I’m at least giving him a fair and equitable listen.

Waving him off as he drives away in his rusty old shet box of a Toyota, I wonder if he isn’t impaired. Oh, right…it’s a plant.

I shrug, looking to heaven. Now I know Karl Marx didn’t believe in religion, so the likelihood that he’s looming about is slim. That would require faith. Still, life and death have been known to play tricks and in that spirit, I allow myself this goof:

Waving my arms—chicken like—above my head, I try to get the attention of the Holy Marxist Father. “Yo, Karl,” I yell, “you there, buddy?”

Silence.

“There’s a guy down here promising dope for votes.”

Still silent.

I consider my laundry list of chores for the day and resign myself to the truth of my existence. Religion is not the opiate of the masses, marijuana is.

Adult, unapologetic and cognizant, I wish you good Wednesday. Let’s stay above it.

ABF

NOTE TO READERS: NONE OF THE ABOVE ACTUALLY TOOK PLACE. IT IS THE PRODUCT OF PURE WHIMSEY, ALTHOUGH THE DOPE STUFF IN ALASKA IS TRUE, AS IS TRUDEAU THE YOUNGER’S POT PLEDGE. I SUPPOSE, AS A HACK METAPHYSICIST, AN APPEAL TO MARX IS ALSO POSSIBLE.

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